


A Rather Preposterous Thought

by envylocked



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar Newton Geiszler, M/M, Multiple Sclerosis, Post-Canon, Trans Male Character, Trans Newton Geiszler
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-15
Updated: 2015-02-15
Packaged: 2018-03-13 02:10:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3363860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/envylocked/pseuds/envylocked
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After their drift, Newt has to deal with the consequences of his brain being splayed out before his partner.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Rather Preposterous Thought

Before he and Hermann drifted with the kaiju, Newt's hands shook as he hooked up the machine. He swallowed the fear and told himself that this was so much bigger than him and that they needed to save the world. Like, he had priorities here.  
When Hermann emptied his insides into a toilet found in the debris of a building, Newt knew he should know that this was brought on by the horrors they both witnessed inside of a monster's brain. But he still wondered long afterward if Hermann was disgusted with what he'd seen of Newt. It's a rather preposterous thought, but still valid, considering his track record. He pushed it out of his mind because, seriously, dude. Priorities.

Newt spent half the night propped up against his bathroom wall, waiting to vomit. This had nothing to do with the kaiju.  
It was only midnight when he decided he couldn't be alone (he couldn't be with Hermann but there was no one else he was, for lack of a better word, close with). But he crossed the hall anyway, clad in a ratty band t shirt and flannel pajama pants. Three knocks he gave to Hermann's door to no avail. He stood there moments after out of politeness, so that if Hermann did wake up and had taken some time to get to the door, he wouldn't be greeting an empty space.

Nothing.  
He knocked again.

"I'd rather not stand to open the door, but come in," Hermann invited.  
And so Newt did.

"Oh, Newton. What's keeping you up on this night?"  
"You probably know what," Newt answered, nonchalant. He tried to keep it ambiguous. On the ever hopeful off chance that Hermann hadn't seen the information that Newton hadn't wanted to give up to him, he certainly didn't want to be offering it up accidentally. 

They were both so quiet. Newt shifted where he stood and Hermann stared, not at all quizzically, propping himself up against his headboard with his elbows. I don't know what to say, Newt thought. He didn't hear anything in return. Either Hermann didn't hear him or he agreed. 

"I haven't been able to sleep." This mess of a voice rippled through their silence and both men realized they weren't sure which of them said it and which of them thought it. But Hermann is the one who speaks next, agreeing that he's been up all night, so through process of elimination Newt concludes that it was his voice, probably.  
Without another word Hermann tries without much success to shift to the other side of his bed. A silent invitation to spend the night. Newt takes it.

He climbs in and lies on his back, unsure if he should turn away or towards Dr. Gottlieb. So he waits for the other man to cue him, but it never comes. They could both tell from the other's breathing and still, poised bodies that they were still awake without having to turn their head to check.

Newt wants to talk about what Hermann saw in the drift. He wants to do it now and he knows its the only way he'll get any sleep. But by the time he works up the courage to whisper, "hey, hermann" he receives no response. The other man was fast asleep.  
Newt had always been a light sleeper, yet it took so much to knock him out. The unfortunate combination was unfair, but he thanked god for it when he was awoken by a spasming Hermann. 

Once Newt fully /understood/ that Hermann was having a seizure, he acted quickly, turning his bedfellow on his side and making sure he wasn't choking on anything. And then he waited it out, timing the event with Hermann's bedside clock. Fifty four seconds. Shit. Hermann looked sick when he came to. Before Newt could ask if he was okay, Hermann stuttered out, "Even for a baby, that kaiju. It. Could completely take over my head." He shook and Newt didn't know what to say. He had had a few seizures since drifting, but no biggie. He couldn't time them himself but he was sure they weren't long enough to require medical attention, probably. He knew what Hermann would say next. "Newton. I urged to kill." Yeah. That's what the kaiju do to your head, he wanted to say, but it was only Newt who coped with humor. Hermann was very concise and clean and serious and scared. And he had been the one to have this seizure. So Newt nodded. He pushed himself into a sitting position to meet Hermann's height and he slowly draped his arm around the other man. He would have never pegged Herman for a touchy feely sort of dude. In the silence, Newt asked if there was anything Hermann wanted.  
"Have you had seizures, Newton?"  
"What? Are you avoiding my question?" Dumb response. Whatever.  
"Newton," he glared.  
"Do you want any help with anything or not? Going once. Going twice..."  
"This is serious, Newton. I need you to be completely honest with me. Now answer my question."  
"Well. I guess I have. Yeah."  
"Were you ever going to tell me?!" Hermann snapped, just like Newt knew he would.  
"What? What's the big deal?" he asked, holding his hands up to ask for mercy. "I didn't want to worry you. You're like, a professional worry wart and I thought you might freak out. And um. Conclusion: you did freak out. Hypothesis proved correct. I win," he said, dramatizing the sentiment with his hands and shrill voice. He wasn't sure what he even meant. They were both probably suffering from post-traumatic stress at this point.  
Hermann calmed down, but he was still bitter. "You need to communicate more. It utterly infuriates me, the blatant lies and mistrust. I understand... you have issues with trusting others, but we've been working together for ten years now, haven't we? Hell," Hermann said, quieting down as if he was taking back his words before they came out. "You opened up more when we were still corresponding via e-mail."

Newt didn't respond at first. The thought that he was angry would have crossed Hermann's mind, but after being inside Newt's mind he knew otherwise. Of course, what was on Newton's mind /now/ was off limits, again, to Hermann. He wasn't even going to try to guess. If he was meant to know, he would know.

Eventually, Newt told him.

"Okay. This is hard, so you gotta give me a break." Newt looked up at Hermann with a face full of vulnerability.  
"Okay," Hermann complied.  
"And it's also top secret. So like, if you tell someone I'm gonna have to kill you and you're mostly an alright guy so hopefully it never comes to that."  
A wall of silence followed Newt's conditions. Hermann swore he could feel a faint nausea. He was still connected to Newt in some ways. He rode out the sickness with his right brain. And he knew when Newt was ready to speak, because a knot grew in his throat. 

"I need to know what you saw in the drift," Newt said. Hermann knew he had meant to say something else.  
"Everything, of course." More nausea. "And I assume you saw everything I have to hide as well. What is it that you didn't want me to see?" Hermann asked with caution, half knowing the answer.  
"Seriously?" Newt laughed with nervousness laced in his shrill.  
"Well. You are certainly... unconventional in many aspects," Hermann chose his words carefully, mimicking Newt's use of hand gestures.  
"Like how else?"  
"I don't know how to respond if I don't know what the sensitive subject here is. I mean, I could take a few guesses, but honestly. Newton, I've seen everything and I don't think of you any differently."  
"I think I'm gonna be sick."  
"I know."  
"You know?"  
"I can feel your nausea," Hermann admitted.  
"Oh. Shit, yeah. Me too."  
A pause ensued.  
"What secondhand feelings of mine have you experienced?" Herman inquired. He hadn't thought of this before. Oh goodness.  
"I know you don't want to talk about it, I can feel that too, but I'm just gonna say this one sentence and then we can totally forget it and I wont bring it up again if you so wish. Aight?" Newton gave a fair warning but Hermann knew his partner wouldn't forget. And yet he agreed to the terms. "I can feel the pain in your legs. And. The sharp pain in your teeth, the shock from your hands to your spine, the sudden burning? I had no idea."  
"Well," he said, lightheartedly. "That's Multiple Sclerosis for you."  
"Shit, I didn't even know you had MS. You're really low-key about it, yanno? You never complain about the pain. And I know I'm feeling it secondhand and it's duller but." Newt trailed off and didn't know how he was going to finish the sentence. He gestured the end of the sentence and Hermann sort of got it. Or at least he felt the emotion in his hands.  
Hermann wasn't ready to tell Newt about the ways in which he suffered. Newt got it though and took the hint before Hermann could bend the conversation topic back around. 

"So uh," Newt said, picking back up where he left off as if the confession about Hermann hadn't happened. Hermann was grateful. "I haven't had to come out since I was like, sixteen, yanno? So I might be a bit rusty." He leaned forward and rested his hands on his legs, preparing himself. "Okay. I'm gonna just say it. I'm trans, Hermann."  
Hermann nodded, though Newt couldn't see him. What was there to say? 'I know'? What a rude gesture, honestly.  
"How did I do?" Newt joked, looking back and meeting filling the silence and still kind of scared.  
Hermann smiled and said, "quite alright," and Newt remembered how to breathe again. Good. This was good.  
"But wait, like, what was the unconventional shit you were talking about?" Newt asked without missing a beat.  
"Er, specifically, I remember your depressive episodes. It was quite heavy to take in, I must admit. And I'm so sorry if I've ever done anything to hurt you in any way over the years. Before we drifted, I had no idea how influenced you were by the words of others. I knew about the bipolar, of course. But I didn't know how severe it was."  
"You know, my episodes are the most normal typical average episodes any bipolar person could ask for."  
"Oh."  
"Yeah. It's not, like, you fault you didn't know. Obviously. It's weird to talk about. And like, we're always portrayed as sexy daredevils or something." He laughed with a shrug. Hermann didn't quite get it but he assumed Newt was talking about the manic areas of his condition.

 

It wasn't until they were back under Hermann's blankets and had shifted into a more comfortable position did Newt realize there was something else they hadn't cleared up.  
"Hermann, are you asleep?" Newt asked, waking his partner being the goal, clearly.  
"Barely," Hermann mumbled toward the wall he faced.  
"There's one more thing I gotta ask, dude."  
"What else could there be?"  
"I gotta know. Honest, did you see me naked?"  
Hermann just laughed nervously, giving away his answer without any words.  
"Alright," Newt accepted. And then a pause. "Am I hot?"

**Author's Note:**

> this was going to be part of something bigger since i hate stories about trans characters where the climax is their coming out because our lives are more than that. but i really wanted to write this scene. and also this whole fic miiiight have just been a setup for a really bad joke.  
> this is the first fic i've ever finished and posted on the internet. comments are appreciated, good or bad. pls tell me what you hate


End file.
